Quote of the Day

"You've had too much sugar when apple juice tastes sour"

-my friend Jenni

British Humor

Really enjoyed Death at a Funeral, the British version. Thanks Josh and Margo.

Some other humorous highlights:

Me, Evan, and Lucy in the TJ Maxx dressing room. Only there because we have no jeans. I think it has the most jeans of any place I ever want to go. So Lucy and I are in the hallway...the long hallway with LOTS of dressing rooms. And I finally get why he had been giving me a hard time about trying on clothes...he says quite loudly "But MOM, I'm free-birding it today. Do you still want me to try on the pants? I already have them on." [We had this problem in kindergarten...sneaking off to school with no underwear on...but hadn't been as diligent checking this year].

In first grade, they send home a book every night for the kids to read. Evan is doing great at reading, spelling tests, etc. His biggest complaint this year is that he's bored. I have to admit the stories don't have the greatest plots...and at the end he said "well I just kicked that story in the nuts, didn't I?" Thank you public school.

Some not so humorous highlights of the past few weeks involve surgeries, deaths of children, divorces and more divorces, suicide of dads with family to support. And I'm not talking about the law cases I'm reading. I'm not talking about strangers. I'm talking about people I know and love.

I haven't kicked that in the nuts just yet.

Lucy Strikes Again

Lucy: Do you want to be a cheerleader when you grow up?

Me: No, not really.

Lucy: Oh, I guess it's hard to go to the bathroom, but you can call the hogs and stuff.

Josh: Lucy, do you want to be a cheerleader when you grow up?

Lucy: Yes!

Me: Why do you want to be a cheerleader?

Lucy: (Big sigh). BECAUSE you get to call the hogs and stuff! (another sigh, like why in the world could I not understand) And because I want to. That's it.

Me: Ok, you can be whatever you want when you grow up.

So this post is not funny. I thought it would be. Oh well. Workin' my way back.

Quote of the day

Lucy: Let's go naked feet today!

(meaning either sandals or barefoot)

Quote of the Day

Evan to me: "Good morning sleeping bootie".

Observation of the Day

"Your patience batteries have ran out. Maybe you should go charge them."

Evan to me at bedtime.

Point well taken.

Vegas Baby

I have never seen so many perfect bodies in bikinis. Perfect string bikinis in the hotel lobby at 2:00am when they can't seem to find us a room but there is room for the bikinis.

But that 12-15 minute wait was worth $150 in free food. You go ahead bikini bottom while I feed this already well-fed bottom.

And then food poisoning or a stomach bug or too much gluten or a parasite. Who knows.

But you know being sick isn't stressful without kids. I can read and watch tv and stay in a four-star bed as long as I want. No house to clean. No kid waking up at 3:50 am Vegas time which means I can sleep until 11:00 am if I want. I did. Amazing. Josh and I will get on a night schedule the moment we get the chance.

We were starting dinner at 10:30pm the last night there. It was so good. The waiter made it even better.

I knew our waiter was Russian the moment he said "the house wine is crap" and spit to the side. And then generally ignored us until we looked hungry enough to toss some bread to.

We were at the highest rated Italian restaurant in the Venetian.

He told me I should get a raspberry martini because it goes down like a flower. You've never tasted vodka like this. He said it in such a way that if I ignored his suggestion he might not serve us our food.

And then the set up:

Me: You drink much vodka then?

Him: Of course I do. I'm from Russia. It's my heritage.

Me: silence. [Better not to overplay my hand. If you are too friendly, most Russians in general instantly dislike you. But I already liked him and by the end of the meal he was showing me pictures of his grandkids].

Him: gives a proud look and turns away.

Josh: Nicely played. Nicely played. [We had a little wager going. Josh was not so sure he was Russian after we were both fooled by perfect French and German spoken by our blue eyed, grayed haired waiter from Cuba at the Paris Cafe].

Him: brings martini.

Me: Na zdarove (a traditional vodka toast meaning " to health" or something like that)

Him: silence

He leaves.

Comes back with our prosciutto with melon, which was absolutely delicious. I'm so glad that I didn't know what it was exactly or how they made it or I would have been too scared to eat it my first day back.

He comes back to check on us (see he's warming up).

Him: How was it?

[Josh answers]

He turns to me.

Me: in Russian "It was very tasty, thanks!"
(I tried somewhat unsuccessfully to keep the exclamation point out of my intonation)

So I won't bore you with all the rest of the details, but it was fun. I got a little diatribe on politics in Russia today and how they're no different than when he left in 1992. As well as pictures of his children and grandchildren (and how much they look like his ex-wife).

If you want more on our food adventure, just friend Josh on facebook.

Las Vegas was much more family friendly than I would have thought. Much more. We could have taken our kids. We didn't. You can judge us for it if you want.

We ran into another couple from church (there's a direct flight from xna to vegas on alligent air) on the flight. It's their fourth time to go. They stayed at Paris (right on the strip with the best restaurant) for four nights PLUS airfare for $285. And if you don't gamble, it's a steal.

It's a weird place. Saw Muslim women with their heads covered in black walking the strip at night with their husbands and kids. And more boob jobs than you could think possible.

I ran out of books to read on the trip. I could not find any books anywhere in like 3 malls and hotel gift shops. I'm talking like anything. John Grisham. Nicholas Sparks. Anything. It cost me a $15 cab ride to get to a Barnes and Noble and it was out in the middle of the desert.

As one saleswoman said "Clothes here? Yes. Books? Not so much"

I'm fast becoming a Margaret Atwood fan.

And the cirque du solei was everything everybody says it is. It was amazing. It made me cry. We saw Mystere. It's like a dream sequence.

Ok. I'm going to stop.

Not really just one more thing: I've never seen a kid so excited to have his last "school night" for a while.

And we may have the only golden retriever that sinks instead of swims.

Lucy Quote of the Day

We're leaving tomorrow for Memphis. My sister is graduating with the highest honors from the University of Tennessee's pharmacy graduate program. In fact, a lot of my family is going and to make it a true celebration as well as be within walking distance of all the events and generally to be cool and southern we are staying at the Peabody Hotel. The kids are really excited. About seeing the ducks, but especially about missing school (at least Evan is).

They were bouncing, well not really bouncing more like bouncing off the walls trying not to go to bed and Lucy yells at the top of her lungs

"WE'RE NOT GONNA STAY AT THE PEE-BODY HOTEL WE'RE GONNA STAY AT THE POOP-BODY HOTEL"

And if you've ever seen Lucy be silly she goes all out. She has a silly streak and loves to try and make up jokes and gets the biggest kick out of her own jokes. Unfortunately, most everybody in the world doesn't even understand what she is saying, much less that she is trying to make a joke. Fortunately, there usually comes a time in life when you make a joke and somebody laughs.

This night was Lucy's night.

Evan started laughing really hard saying "Oh, the poop-body. That's so funny". I wish I had a picture of her face. She lit up and then laughed as hard as she could for a full five minutes.Her teacher took this picture of her at school. And yes, I'm the parent who lets their child pick out what they want to wear to school. If you've ever had to get up early with a strong willed child you might understand. She is never without jewelry these days. Granny gave her some raspberry body spray and Pink lotion and she LOVES it. Quite a girly girl. And so grown-up lately.

So some people didn't see that last quote as funny, but I found it hilarious.

So just to assure everyone that I do have a sweet innocent six year old boy. He did say

"Momma, I'll take care of you when you're old"

Happy Mother's Day

It's a week late. But Evan keeps the one liners coming.

"When I'm old, you'll be dead
so Happy Mother's Day right now"

Thanks buddy.

Quote of the Day

So I can't do it all. I realize it. But it hits closer to home when Evan said in the bathtub

"My toenails grow like the St. Louis arch"

He holds them out. I'm so glad no one got a picture.

Guess who had forgotten to cut them all of last semester.

At least he had not worn sandals yet.

Oh, the little things.

The Fieldtrip

So I'm done with school! Finished my last test yesterday. Not sure I passed but as I thought to myself on the way out "By the grace of God and the bell-curve"

Apparently Lucy's school had a mother's day tea party...and no offense to the baptists out there but I think they are exceptionally good at making me feel guilty in the mothering realm. So instead of Lucy being the only kid there without their mother dressed up at their side, she got dragged on the kindergarten field trip. Which ended up working out well. She got to ride the big yellow school bus...which is big in any kid's mind.

I guess I had thrown away one of the fifty million sheets of paper they tack on to the half in strip above her backpack in the pile which had all the information. I just say the reminder note this morning *read oh %^&.

So I thought it better to take her with us (my mom went too). We went to the Gentry "Safari" which is like a petting zoo with random exotic animals thrown in. Only there would they let the five kindergarten boys I was in charge of hold a 2 1/2 foot boa constrictor around their neck. They boys thought it was so unbelievably cool. I didn't have the heart to object.

They also have kangaroos in the petting zoo which is fun. And a baby camel. The kids did really well...even A, the one who didn't get to stay in class during the Valentine's Day party because he dropped the F bomb three times in three seconds the minute we started handing out the candy. As one of the teachers said 'he makes me re-think my career and my life'.

After lunch, the teachers just told the kids to "go run". Of course about two seconds later A was in time out for pushing a kid or something...which is sad because he's the kind of kid that needs to run the most. The kids were like a massive spinning top with different colors everywhere...doing nothing but running. Then, they formed a big game of red rover *which I didn't know they still allowed that game* with the whole kindergarten. All in the name of 'let's kill time so we don't have to do anything when we get back to school'. Sounds good to me.

Then we boarded the bus for the drive thru safari. The kids really had a good time. I don't think anyone but me found it probably was a little disturbing to the lions and the sheep that they are in cages side by side. I wonder if they don't just toss a goat every now and then over the edge because on the horses and donkeys it said "horses and donkeys are not food for the tigers". However, the goats on the other side were not so fortunate to have a sign as good as the horses and donkeys. Just "goat".

Such is life.

Quote of the day

Evan quote of the day: "But cheating is the funnest part of the game"

Finals in less than a week. Plenty to catch up on. And plenty to keep me on my toes in between. Can we say teachable moment?

I can't wait to get some dirt in between my toes and plant some flowers and forget about law for a month. But I have a lot to remember between now and then.

Sally Molly

Josh has wanted a dog since we've been married. I have not. Law school has shifted the balance in many good ways and a puppy is one of them. Part of it was that Josh didn't want a dog unless it would be indoors. I don't keep my house clean enough to have an indoor dog. I hate when a house smells like dog and fur everywhere. But I guess we all try to recreate our childhood and our compromise was a golden retriever. I had a great golden retriever named Dore. She would pull us on our rollerblades and go down the slide on the playground and we'd take a bath with her and dress her up in all different types of outfits. One time when my brother was about 8-9 months old and crawling/pulling up. My mom called her (she always was really obedient) and she didn't come. Well when my mom came in the other room my brother had put his fists in her mouth and had grabbed her cheeks and pulled himself up. His little fists had grabbed her jowls and she didn't move because she knew he would fall if she did.

Josh had shelties growing up which are great...but yappy. And if a dog barked every time a kid splashed in the pool, the dog would not live very long at my house. We looked at the animal shelters and petfinder.com but they didn't have any puppies and I don't trust an adult dog that didn't grow up with kids. Although Josh's parents' dog has been great with the kids.

Anyway, her name is Sally Molly. [Evan wanted Sally and Lucy wanted Molly]. She's a 6 week old golden retriever. I think she will be a downstairs on the tile or outside dog. But of course I'm outnumbered right now.

She's upstairs curled up by the fire.

Quick Update

Surgery went great. Doctor thought he got all of it. Mom should be going home here in a little bit.

Prayer Request

My mom has a huge kidney stone that she's been dealing with since before Christmas. It has gotten stuck and she has to have somewhat urgent surgery in the morning.

Please pray for her because she still has to make it through the night.

She's really tough but kidney stones are "worse than labor" by a long-shot she says.

Happiness

What do you do when your child throws up in the sandbox at the park? First, you're grateful to dig it out of the sandbox staring at the prying eyes of other parents---what has your kid never puked in public before?? Well it might have something to do with the fact that indeed you had no digging tools for your kids--you were the unprepared parent of the day...and someone else grabbed a cooler lid out of the back of their car to help you dig out the volumtuous vomit of a five year old who just ate his second lunch...there is bleach you know...and you didn't leave it for someone to step in or one year old to put in their mouth after all...Thank God for friends at the park. And thank God he puked in the sandbox and it wasn't you by yourself digging it out of the carseat. Because the first time that happened you cried and called your mother. It really worked out well as far as vomit is concerned...and plus it was from coughing so there's a plus even as the other parents give you the evil eye...

Besides it makes you feel better about yourself because if you were really gone all the time you wouldn't be around ever for such momentous occasions. And with school, you're batting about .500 for being the one cleaning up the puke...which is still better than .999 it used to be. And you still get to be the one up all night and comatose at 6:05 am to fix breakfast and threaten to send everyone back to bed if they don't watch tv until 8 and when they do until 9 you don't complain.

You're still a good mother even if some say "you used to be". And you're kids feel good enough to be running around and cranky instead of sick and snuggly. And then you pull the card.

The card your gambling husband has been waiting for on the river: the puppy card.

I gave in.

Happily.

J has always been an animal lover. And finally when you're outnumbered 3 to 1 and doing something people consider crazy you do the smart thing and the fun thing. You just say yes.

Cheap golden retrievers in the paper...we went to the animal shelter a while ago and didn't have much luck. But we picked her out today. The only one I vetoed was the barking one and the one that had already chewed up the Wal-Mart sack.

Our compromise is that it will stay downstairs or outside. My housekeeping skills are pretty pathetic as it is...so doghair added to the kitchen is a no-go. Plus I will never share my bed with a dog. Snotty kids at times. But not a dog.

So it's happy times at our house. We pick her up the week after spring break. Lucy votes to name her Sleeping Beauty or Pink. Evan wants Sally, Little Star, Twinkle, Little Red...or my favorite "Why don't we just call her Tramp" (like from Lady and the Tramp) *he says with a sparkle in his eye* J says Ginger. I just say why don't we call her Goldie Hawn.

I fully expect three of us to sleep downstairs with her at some point. More sleep for me. I say.

Because they were so cheap, I was cheap and (like a lawyer) asked "the mother and father weren't brother and sister were they?". Josh blushed. The lady said "well, we have 10 don't we?" and "no they weren't". And actually she was very nice and marked the puppy with a bright orange fingernail polish that Lucy asked if she could have (my child has a penchant for fingernail polish). Josh blushed again.

And the anticipation is big in our house...if only J wasn't gone for 10 out of the next 14 days.

So 3 out of four of us are resting well now...and this last one... she will too if she can stop talking about herself in the third person....and figure out what the next property assignment is.

More Evan

Because I just can't get enough of him these days.

Question of the day: Why do chameleons lick their eyeballs?

One of the first things he said to me today when my brain was not quite functioning.

He went to Springdale on a school bus today. One of his dreams come true. I'm not joking. We spent all of last year with the "when I can I go on a school bus". His kindergarten class went to Shiloh Museum. And apparently they have a double (side by side) outhouse or replica or something. Which is about the only thing he's talked about all night.

So I guess we've come full circle with the toilet fascination from space to long, long time ago with the ancient wisdom : everybody poops.

so I have lots of preacher rants saved up. Don't know if I'll be brave or stupid enough to post them. Plenty of personal stuff going on but I'll do what most women I know do--hide behind my kids for a while.

Don't worry. I'm all about equal protection. There will be a Princess Lucy post coming up. And if I ever took any pictures they would be up to.

School

Evan got in the car yesterday when I picked him up from school and before he put on his seatbelt he said " I am so ready for summer vacation" promptly followed by "You put five thousand million peas in my lunch". Ok. point taken. We've gotten in the pattern of Josh fixing the kids' lunches most days and needless to say lunches look a little different depending on who packs them.

And then we saw the short bus. He has begun a fascination with a short bus. The motorhome fascination lasted a good year. And the portable toilet fascination transferred easily to spaceships once he saw a space toilet [which was even better than the motorhome toilet] in a book at the library. Too bad we never did find a hose he could pee in. Although on a hot summer day you've gotta wonder...

I'm not sure how to respond about the short bus. So I'm practicing my avoidance skills. Because he remembers every word about what I say. For example, our friend H is pregnant and he asks how the baby pees inside of her and whether the baby's bladder is bigger or smaller than a quarter, and on and on...until he saw someone feeding their baby at church...and now you can imagine all the questions...so try to be as matter of fact as possible and MOVE ON. Because I call him my little lawyer...the level of detail in the questioning is quite impressive.

I get a kick out of his sentences. He still does not like school. He has to write a ton of sentences for kindergarten and you can tell he tries to get a little creative with the words he supposed to use."All the veins and arteries are broken". The spelling was quite creative. And then he says "The test takers think that kindergarteners don't know their rhyming words". Hmm...I hate the public school has to teach to the test. I was there for like an hour at his school and I know I would never make it as a teacher. I volunteer at the after school science club meeting with him. He really likes science and math stuff and was pretty excited to "get in". After about five minutes at the public school, I start wanting to take a shower. And that hour seems like 10. But's it worth it to see him gagging (smiling--because he's still Evan even though he doesn't throw up as much anymore) and gagging and smiling as he mashes up Total cereal and gets the iron out of it with a magnet. "It looks like diarrhea" one kid observes. Evan almost loses it. I start laughing.

Evan asked me today 'hey, can we look up that famous hero today on you tube?'. What? You know that one that wrote that fire song. Johnny Cash. They listened to it in his class today. Which is funny. We celebrated Johnny Cash in my class today. Except we listened to I've Been Everywhere.

High point in both of our days.

Thanks to the man in black.

Quotes of the day

Lucy: "Momma, I don't ever want you to get married"

Evan: "What's a beauty contest?"
Me: [Explanation]
Evan: "That's not fair AT ALL! " People judge people by who does right and who does wrong.

Me: [feeling one of those few and far between proud parenting moments]

Josh is out of town. Does this mean I can secretly erase all the Glenn Beck on the DVR and watch The Daily Show every night? Tempting.

Evan Quotes

He was on fire today.

On the way to school "Hey, Dad Does momma have a skinny ipod because she takes it jogging and you have a fat ipod because you don't take yours jogging?" That brought more than a chuckle.

After school " Hey, did white people used to just do whatever they want?"

Well, yes. Basically. He had to put a lot of things together to come up with that one. That's a lot of public school synthesis right there (Thanksgiving: the Native Americans plus the post-MLK day lesson)

And then the kicker before bed. "God probably made penguins just to make us laugh. They look so funny" And then proceeded to do his best penguin impression.

I love that kid.

Passed!!

So the horrible test must have had a sweet curve. I passed and more than passed. Can't believe how relieved I feel. Although the random theory of law school grades seems to be pretty believable at this point. Better than I deserve...is how I walk away from this whole experience.

I once heard a preacher say that pride and self pity are two sides of the same coin. Pride is when I meet success. Self-pity is when I meet failure. Can't win for losing. I've tried my best at school to look at people as people. I know that sounds stupid, but it's easier said than done. Even attorneys out of school for years will probably try to figure out where you stand. There's definitely a pecking order...and I try in as much as I can to look at people as people and not as some person to compare myself to...it's actually quite freeing. And even more freeing when you realize there are no guarantees in life...and what those important things are. And yet people are people and will judge me by my grades and a million other things. So let them. I'll fall short and then again sometimes I won't.

And then there's other victories those small things that you conquer in life that you seem to savor. I saved my best of craig's list couch from utter grape-juice puke destruction. Yes. Not withstanding (I'm already starting to use lawyer-talk and it's already annoying me...so sorry for the rest of you) the use of the Harp's Rug doctor/upholstery cleaner. Which, as it turned out someone else had previously tried to clean up something akin to dog diarreah. And some piece of it had lodged in the bottom of the cleaner and prevented the machine from sucking the suds soaking the grape juice vomit.

I had to think fast...out came the miny $15 wet vac. Why didn't I think of this earlier??? Anyway, when I was returning the vac, the lady wanted to test my story so she went and undid the machine (I was impressed although slightly annoyed) and said "well, there was a piece blocking it, don't you want to take it back?"). No. Thank you. I don't think I'll try that again.

But again...the small victories. Lucy puked in a bowl the first time in her life. It was like 2 drops. And she said in her little tired voice "Aren't you so proud of me Mama?". Yes. Yes I was.

It all comes back to vomit.
I'm still me.