There are a lot of military guys in my classes. One of them sauntered up to me and said he studied as a linguist at the training school there. He started reciting Russian grammar to me. He didn't really know Russian. Hmm...And he must have forgotten his social training as well. Because when I shook his hand, he shouted out. "That's disgusting!". What did you do? Put lotion all over your yourself? (my hands constantly sweat. They always have and I'm pretty self-conscious about it. But luckily at the time I was having a hotflash so I thought my face might balance out my hands)

Umm.. No. I said. It's sweat. It's one of those things I hate about myself but thanks for pointing it out.

Law school is bringing out the sarcasm.

Then he said, "Just for the record. That is ABSOLUTELY disgusting".

And then I said "Just for the record. You're an asshole".

But I didn't.

And now I gave a most INCORRECT answer in class...after all that studying :)

In Demand

So I'm at lunch in the courtyard at the law school. It's really nice by the way. I found a group of girls who have kids. We all eat lunch at 10:45am because we're starving and then by 11:00am we're off to study because we all have no time.

I have a fever today. I checked it this morning 99.9. Josh said I felt really warm last night. I get freezing so that's part of why I'm in the sunny courtyard.

I have a lot to do. But I always will. I just needed to unwind a little more before diving into a bunch of stuff I don't understand.

I need 8-10 hours of sleep to function. I used to get 5-6 in school and be just fine.

I pick the kids up from school M W F and then my mom picks them up Tu Th so I can have a long day of studying. I need that today.

I stayed at the park with kids directly after school for 3 hours. It was really nice. Then, I studied for about 3 hours at night, then spent an hour watching The Wire with Josh.

I got the holding right on my case this morning. Whoohoo! I'm just trying to be efficient with the time I have. I'm really relishing the challenge.

Which means I need to go study...does anyone have any favorite napping spots on campus? I have a feeling, like CS Lewis, that a nap just might take me.

So I'm back to the Sunday night tension. The full week ahead. Fortunately, I have Mad Men season 3 started up to get me through the next hour. I find the show fascinating. I know a lot of people probably would just see the show as sex and smoking, but there's this incredibly deep layer to it that speaks to me in ways most shows do not. Plus it's just pretty to watch.

I walked around lake Fayetteville with my neighbor today speaking Russian for about 80% of the time. It's weird because I know certain words in Spanish that I don't know in Russian, although my Russian is far better than my Spanish. I wouldn't say that I even speak Spanish, just that I know a lot of random words like insurance, guilt, and a semi-profane way to say "bless you" after someone sneezes.

It's always very energizing to me to speak another language and explore another culture and another way of doing things. Not everyone sees the world in the same way we do. And that is very refreshing to me.

My bubble seems to implode on me at church. I really need to get some thicker skin. People, specifically leaders, more than one today, coming up to me saying "You're going to law school, aren't you?" Yes. And then nothing. No, good luck with that. Not even why in the world are you doing that (at least this week). Just silence. And a look of distrust. And my ears feeling itchy.

I guess it would be like me walking up to a lady in our church who is having her 8th child and saying "You're pregnant again, aren't you?" And then not saying anything.

The things we don't say are sometimes as important as the things we do say.

Also, something said about a certain kind of suffering being a punishment from God has got me riled. But I'm going to do a little more fact checking and heart searching before saying any more about it.

As I'm reading about contract law, it's clear that not every grievance is eligible for compensation under the law. Sometimes shit happens and there's nothing you can do legally about it. You can try but it will cost you an extrodinary amount of money and you may still have a losing case.

It's like this damn fever. I say damned because I really wish God would damn it to hell and it would never come back. But it does. Again and again. And there's really nothing much that can be done for it. Or so it seems.

I think I'm getting better slowly or at least in some sort of remission or less active phase of whatever this is. But then this afternoon my temperature jumped 3 degrees in about 20 minutes and I pulled out the down comforter and drifted off to sleep shivering.

What type of contract do we think we have with God? What is He obligated to do for us? What are we obligated to do for him?

I love the simplicity and honesty and depth that my son has showed. It has been very hard with him going to kindergarten. He is so scared. I was talking about things. Like trying to help him problem solve. Like what's the worst thing that could happen at kindergarten? And try to help him think through his options and fears etc...And then I prayed for him. I tried to reassure him that God was with him even though mom and dad weren't.

He promptly replied that he'd never seen God, didn't even know if he could see God ever but he could see me and I wasn't at kindergarten.

First Day

First day of law school couldn't have gone better. Babysitter canceled, found another one in time. Almost stepped on a big pile of dog crap but missed it. Found cheap new dress that fit randomly passing the clearance rack at Target. Reconnected with an old friend first five minutes. Found another mom with a kindergartener and preschooler at UBC. Professor who is a mom say "Be an hour late to class...or as late as you need. It's a big day. For both of you." Tomorrow is the first day for the kids.

I have 5 cases to read tonight plus I'm already feeling the urge to crusade against the sheer amount of bureaucracy. I have like 30 sheets of paper that I'm supposed to do something with. School has changed so much in the 6 1/2 years I've been out. Everyone has laptops. People are asking you to pull up stuff on the web in real time. So much information: handouts, things posted to blackboards (not the kind from our childhood), listserves, emails. I think I've counted 9 places so far I have to have a username and password just to check for information that I might need for class. Each professor or administrator has their own way of doing things (probably the only way they know how) and then all the students have to do it whatever way they are, following the professor's version of trying to be tech savvy. Hmm...

What I was not expecting was an incredibly moving speech by Morris Dees. I can't go into it right now because I have a bureaucracy to run but as he told about the most meaningful moment in his career being a black mother forgiving a white KKK member for murdering her son publicly at the trial. I felt the spirit of God move strongly. He preached a mini sermon from the book of Amos, much like Martin Luther King did so famously. I had tears just rolling. He issued a call for justice in our country. I don't know, but whatever happened was powerful.

About Me

I still have been meaning to put links to the people I've been blogstalking. But I just haven't made the time. It's on my to-do list.

I took a personality test on facebook. One of the questions was do you enjoy making lists and then ignoring them. I checked yes. I certainly do. There's a certain satisfaction of controlling the list but not letting the list control you. Like going to bed with the house in a mess but I can sleep soundly. Life is more than a clean house. And stupid fb quizes.

Another question was do you find life to be pretty simple or pretty complex? COMPLEX.

I'm a cynical ENFP if you're into that kind of thing.

I have a lot more type A to my personality than some people realize. It's been interesting to me that people who have known me from before high school are not surprised at all that I'm going to law school. When I ran into my 6th grade teacher at Chik Fil A her comment was I'm glad that there are people who want to do that. I have absolutely no desire. Well, I could turn that around. She was a great teacher. And I think great teachers are one of the greatest things in the world. My jr. high band director inspired me so much (more stories sometime) that I wanted to be a music teacher all the way through my first year of college.

An elder in the church came up to me on Sunday and said he heard a rumor about me and asked me to confirm the unthinkable...and said "What on earth possessed you to do such a thing?". When I tried to go into the reasons, I quickly realized he wasn't interested. The first thing out of another person's mouth was "you're going to get divorced". They quickly semi-corrected themselves.

We have many friends who are homeschooling. Evan is about to start school a week from today. We went to his kindergarten screening. The teacher came out saying that he knew the objectives they set for the kids to know at the end of the school year. So what is he going to do this year? Socialize and be bored. Like the majority of us. I know that if I homeschooled him, he could advance very quickly. But we're all making compromises. He asked if we could disect an earthworm. I said ok. Life is more than being smart. I skipped kindergarten as a kid and I don't think I'll do the same for my kid.

So my schedule is set. It's very full but hopefully do-able. I will drop off Evan and pick him up from school three days a week. My mom is watching Lucy two days a week and she's going to Christian preschool the other three days. So I'll still be there a lot. And hopefully be able to be engaged and not a stress ball. So my time with the kids will be break in the middle of the day. And of course I couldn't do it this way without my Mom.

This blog is getting too long. It is upseting when people who you feel like have the same core beliefs do something different in their lives. I used to have a shirt that said "Diversity is good". I lived in the most international city in the world. I eat all kinds of wierd food. But we all get tired of someone being different than ourselves. Just like we get tired if someone is too much like ourselves. I'm tired of being the different one in my small circle in the world.

If any good has come from this wretched sickness. It has been a clarity of purpose. Whatever we do we can do to the glory of God as human beings in all fraility and weakness and it won't be perfect. I love my friend Kanyon's vision she described us all holding hands in the kingdom of God as little children. Boys and girls. Nothing but the slight and pleasant distinctions we make between the two.

It is a fight of faith to believe that we live under open friendly skies with a kind and generous God. People have outright blamed me for my sickness. And many more have thought it is a primarily psychological problem. It will all magically go away if I do law school. Great. I hope it does. If it's all in my head. Great. Help me. That seems infinitely easier to fix. And if it's sin? Even easier. I see Jesus saying "Go and sin no more". Your sins are forgiven. I don't care what it is. I just want to be healed, to be whole more than I care what the reason is.

"Simple, clear purpose and principles give rise to complex and intelligent behavoir. Complex rules and regulations give rise to simple and stupid behaviors." Dee Hock.


I love that quote. Josh has been so supportive of me doing this endeavor. Mutual support and willingness to sacrifice has been shown to be one of the most reliable predictors of success in marriage. I think we both have made public and private sacrifices and I feel much more confident of our marriage since he held that newborn baby surprise.

I can't say "Don't judge me". Because we're all always making all sorts of judgement calls about everything around us. It's like saying. Don't breathe around me. I'm sure this some sort of coping mechanism to study law. The law is always at war with ambiguity.

Nothing is for certain in this world. We don't even know about tomorrow. So I won't boast about it. I won't try and defend why I'm doing what I'm doing further.

Evan asked why I was getting lines around my eyes. I told him I was getting wiser.

Happy Birthday Lucy

My little girl is a joy. I love her so much. Here's a little about the day she was born.

Both my labors started the night before. We were in the parking lot of Church's Chicken getting dinner when my water broke. It was a Sunday, a week before my due date, and we had spent the afternoon at Beaver Lake where my enormous pregnant self could swim freely.


I had contractions solidly for the past two weeks. So I was very relieved that my water broke so that I could know officially this alien was coming out of me in the next 24 hours. We knew it was a girl but we hadn't decided on her name. It was going to be either: Lily, Chloe, or Lucy.

So we finally set off for the hospital about 11:30pm. From my previous experience I knew she would probably come later rather than sooner. I finally got my epidural at 4:00am. And at that point the migraine hurt much worse than the contractions and the vomiting was not fun, but whatever helps...It only worked on half of my body and then almost wore off by the time Stirrup Nazi came to deliver at 10:02 am. Precious Mari was out of town.

Lucy December was born at 10:10 am. Although she didn't get her name until about an hour after that. And about 2 hours after that I felt INCREDIBLE. No sleep. Nothing in my stomach. But I didn't need a thing. Those plunging hormone levels were all the drugs I needed.

And Josh was a trooper. He slept a little until the witching epidural hour...but it was just good preparation for a baby who had colic. She was always a good eater. But I knew I was in for a challenge when the nursery nurse called (about 45 minutes after I fed her) that "could you take your baby (talking very loudly over Lucy on the intercom) we're very busy in here and she won't stop crying".

But we made it through those four months. And then the year of eternal sickness as I like to call it. And now we have this:
Goosie. The Goose. Lucillini. LuLu. She has the entire book of Pinkalicious memorized. She loves Fancy Nancy. She wants a pink dog and earrings. She's spunky and opinionated. And loves to bring her big brother his bear. And her blankie smells so good. I never imagined I would have a girly girl and such a snuggler but I do.

"Momma's going to law school. Evan's going to kindergarten. Lucy's going to preschool. It will be so FUN!"

My little optimist. I love you. And I'm glad you were born to me.

I hope one day to look back on all the hard times and count it joy.