The Kids

I have a blank screen with a blinking cursor waiting for me. So I'm doing what any normal person would: procrastinating. I still hate deadlines. But I'm getting better. Believe me. I made the mad dash across campus, paper in hand many times.

I'm different now. Not totally different. More grown-up. More aware of my own mortality. More aware that I should not say "I'm going to do this". But if the Lord wills, I'm going to do this.

I'm really enjoying the kids a ton. We spent tonight telling stories outside under the stars pretending like we were having a camp out. We googled a lot of things on the human body (a favorite topic of Evan's) and also on stars. It really is crazy how much people have figured out through the years and even more amazing that it exists on it's own.

I used to lay in bed at night as a kid wondering about the universe. There's something powerful and scary about seeing the world through your kids' eyes.


Quick update:

A little boy at school has a crush on Lucy. He spotted her at the little fair at the mall out of all the kids on all the rides. His mom went to high school with Josh. She says that he talks about her every day. She plays hard to get. So coy. Wow. It starts early.

Lucy calls her little friend Kate "Cake". Cake...come here cake. It's too cute to correct.

She also likes to tell you what you like. Here mom you're favorite color is yellow. Well, actually it's not. Here mom, I know what you want to do today. If I thought a two year old was opinionated...this three year old reminds me of my sister growing up. My sister hated the color mauve with a passion unknown to many people in the early 90s. And she turned out normal.

Evan is really good at guessing games. He won a prize at school for guessing how many candies in the jar. He guessed the exact amount. I'm terrible at those sorts of games. His teacher said that he's guessed correctly two other times. Random. He also loves the I Spy books. I hated those sorts of where's waldo activities in school.

He's doing better at school. And he's really starting to read and sound words out. I give him a pretend 'great day' shot in the arm when I drop him off. It makes him smile every time.

So I should be in bed. And I will be shortly. But I'm still trying to unwind from this week. It has been crazy busy. I see why I will hate my life when finals come around. It is no fun to feel completely unprepared for that 2 page question, blank computer screen and forty minutes to write an essay on the question. N's class.

I took my last midterm today (which don't count for anything except to scare the living daylight out of you in preparation for finals). And I waited until all of them were done to pick up my midterm from three weeks ago; the only one that counted. And I'm glad I did. I started tearing up when I saw that grade...I think it's the lowest grade I've ever made on a test.

But screw it, right? I was sick...my house flooded, my son had a 105 fever....Josh was out of town...some excuses. I'm sort of an all or nothing person. Which means I'm a perfectionist. I'm surrounded by fellow perfectionists at law school. And I'm learning to enjoy life that isn't perfect, whatever that means.

I don't think I'm particularly talented at law. I don't have a knack for it. I'm not in it to make a bunch of money. I just feel thankful to be there. It's coping for me right now.

I didn't flunk, even though like I said I answered the entire second half wrong. So I'll take my half ass answer and be ok with it. I've been called pretentious. But it really would be pretentious to think I could go into this school and act like a 1920s man from Harvard.

I'm realizing that fear and conformity is all around me and including me sometimes. We all have to be in the top ten percent so we can get judicial clerkships and corporate jobs. The reality is that 90% of us will not be in the top 10%. And that some of us (myself included) hurl at the thought of working for corporate America. I can't stand contracts.

It's hard to take my own advice. I'm used to being in the top 10%. And it's hard when people look down their nose at you or my favorite: pity me. Don't pity me. But if I can get over the uncomfortable competitive feelings then I realize I don't really care that much. I'd rather go to dinner and movie with my husband that lock myself in the law library.

I was able to make it to Evan's class party and make time for a lot of other things. But I still don't understand future interest. I tell you what. When I study. I study. 100% focused attention. It's been enough to get me an A on one or two occasions. The nice exception.

Throw Away Weekend

You want to know what a great way to waste a weekend is? A migraine and a fever. Winning combination to get absolutely nothing done. People who say they do anything during a migraine have probably not experienced the craziness of not wanting to roll over or even scratch your face and waiting until you almost pee your pants before you force yourself out of bed because it hurts so bad.

So I'm glad that's done with. Have no idea why I had one; I think I might have had a flu bug or something weird on top of it. I'm thankful I don't get them very often. Good reminder of how bad they are. The hangover headache is still pretty intense (shame to wear sunglasses on such a pretty day) but I have been studying for most of the afternoon. And as it ends up, wasting most of that researching the wrong cause of action. Lessons learned.

But I do have to give a big shout out to my compassionate supportive husband who not only took care of the kids over the weekend where I slept my life away once the medicine kicked in, but made our house more beautiful. Don't you like my dining room with the new light fixture? It adds so much. It took a ridiculous amount of time to install with help from our friend Todd. But so pretty.

Correction

So " God I love your will but I hate what is happening" wasn't a quote from who I thought it was.
My neighbor actually said,

"God I love your will. I'm scared but I love your will. And I trust in your will. I trust in the will of God. And God I love your grace and I relish in your grace."

I don't know who to attribute the other quote to except maybe my friend Rachel.

Thanks Rachel!

I know why everyone hates law school. I get it. Today after my criminal midterm someone said "I think I just lost my soul".

So the self delusion I was hoping for last week kicked in until about what should have been halfway through my civil procedure midterm when reality came crashing down suffocating me in the rubble that I had made it through 25% of the exam. I still had a breath left when I walked out but none when I realized five minutes later that I answered the entire second half of the essay question incorrectly. And to top it off, this is that was the only midterm that counts toward my final grade.

And life goes on. How do we judge these inner experiences? From the outside or inside? Josh posted a great CS Lewis thing on Twitter: http://twitter.com/JoshuaAyres/statuses/4863598627

I heard a quote about how if when I look at my life from the outside I lose my faith. I am strong believer that our lives are more than the sum of our experiences and yet these experience shape us against our will or better judgement at times. A stranger gave another unsolicited negative opinion of what we're doing with our lives together as a family. And that is what it is.

Part of it comes down to what most people consider safe. Me going to school with young kids is not safe. But me staying at home is not either. This world is not safe and in one very real sense God is not safe. " Lord I love your will but I HATE what is happening" these words still bring tears to my eyes spoken by my Christian neighbor whose lost her little girl last week. My other neighbor that I sit next to in class six year old little girl died in her arms and she lost her husband in an accident five years ago. This neighbor thinks it was karma and it will all work out in the end. She is trying to be numb in the meantime. I like her.

NPR did a fun interview with Johnny Cash's daughter, Rosanne. Here. Terry Gross was talking to her about pain and suffering in her life (she had to have brain surgery and a bunch of other stuff) she talked about different people's responses to adversity...some drink, some find religion, some grow positive, some grow despondent, Her father always seemed to have a sense of Jesus and what does she do? Rosanne replied "Religion of art and music and small children".

People I'm around all day have very different and very opinionated views on all kinds of things. Hell, I have very different and very opinionated views on all kinds of things. And yet there's this myth of the center. Of balance. Of family and work life. Of church life...attend five meetings a week or none? Which is more balanced? Is balance doing your very best to keep your kids safe at all times? Or do you let them be influenced by other people and things that might screw them up?

I think the fight of faith is in taking action more than I used to. Words are cheap although inspiring sometimes. And although I'm not one to drop a "praise the Lord" in an everyday sentence or one to "count my blessings" aloud I am grateful. I have an awareness that all of this could be yanked out from underneath me. My best could be not good enough. My health could fail. My marriage could fail. My kids could die. I could have a moral mess up that screws up all kinds of other things and ruin other people's lives. And I could yet turn into a self righteous prideful attorney.

God help us all.

I'm going to go watch Mad Men.

So more fun. Teeth splitting sinus infection. Glad I went in today. The doctor told me to come look at my x ray and said next time to go to the emergency room. I told him the emergency room was overrated. I didn't. But I wanted to. Isn't one trip in the family enough?

It takes a lot for me to go to the doctor after my last experience. And in the weird creeping you out kind of way it's scarily validating to have someone point to an x ray and say of course your head hurts. There's no air in your sinuses.

He put me on a really strong antibiotic (fun times) and said to give it a day or two if I'm not better to go to the er. And hooked me up with of samples of nasal sprays...etc. And a doctor's note. No class for me tomorrow.

Just a midterm on Thursday. The midterm. The only one that counts. I slept until 11:00am today (thanks Mom!!!) and took a two hour nap and I'm about to go to bed. Sure hope these antibiotics kick fast and a little self delusion of my amazing abilities to take a test without studying.

I'm giving up for today.

Thankful for the big things in life.

Not so much the small things.

Allergies

Such weird things these allergies are. My jellyfish sting randomly reappears every few months and you can see where the tentacles wrapped around my toe. It doesn't hurt. It's just a little red and itchy. And then it goes away as mysteriously as it appeared.

Today Josh went to the doctor, who quickly sent him to the emergency room because he had a delayed allergic reaction to a hornet/yellow jacket sting he got on Saturday. I was so glad it wasn't infected, which could have been a bad possibility. I seriously have not seen an arm that swollen. Ever.

The kids are home sick today. Evan still has a fever, although not nearly has high as it was. Lucy has a low grade one, not enough to lay on the couch like Evan, just enough to be cranky. I have a big midterm on Thursday and trying to study. It's not really happening. So I'm blogging.

Today is the first class I've had to miss, which I'm thankful because it totally freaks you out to be behind. By that, I mean it totally freaks me out. I didn't really study very much this weekend. I totally have to crash on the weekends and just spend time with my family and sleep as much as possible. And go to bed at 7:00pm.

So I'm going to be an optimist and say that it's forced efficiency. Hopefully I will be able to go up to the library tonight and kick some booty. Although that was the plan last night and I totally hit the wall. Unable to go on. Thus the early bedtime.

I have to admit that I've enjoyed the snuggles today. We all took a nap together and although I haven't gotten anything done it's been good to rest. I remember being at home sick from school and loving it. I hope my kids remember the same about today. And I remember to keep my priorities right. And I don't "lose my soul" as someone told me.

Which by the way, I probably will be censoring my blog more carefully or making it private. People take things in all kinds of ways I don't intend and talk about me. My reputation is growing (especially in church circles) in a way I don't like and is not fair. I hate that facebook and blogging is an image thing. An appearance you have to keep. But just because I hate doesn't change it. And if I'm going to be working in a public area in the future I should start now. Plus, who knows what 'private' means on the internet anyway. I hate to be a control freak.

And I have two little bodies hanging off of me pushing random buttons that I'm deleting as I type. G

Tough Stuff

Evan had a 105 fever Friday when he woke up from the first nap he's taken in months. It totally freaked me out. I poured some ibuprophen in him and took him to the mediquick place because the pediatrician couldn't see him until after 7:00pm.

He was crying and crying because he was afraid of getting a shot. Luckily all he got was a nose swap and negative for flu. Some sort of bacterial infection. He was better within hours of that first dose of antibiotics.

Then Saturday a little girl who is one of our neighbors was fatally injured in a crosswalk on Razorback Road, not too far from our house.

I pass the mom walking every day because she walks her kids to school at Leverett. She's the PTO president and was so helpful the first time we went to kindergarten orientation.

It's kind of a complicated story, but I brought her flowers that afternoon from my friend Rachel, who knows the family really well. I didn't stay because I didn't want to be that annoying stranger...but yeah. So sad.

And then we watched Sin Nombre. It's not as excellent as City of God. But it was good. Especially for me to understand the lives of those I've worked with the past year.

Josh had a really good observation that the title looks like Sin No More in English. It seems like the typography is meant to have a duel meaning.

So many stories that never get told. Peoples' lives do not all hold the same value even though they should. And I can't get there by a philosophical belief in human rights.

Heavy. Church seems so light and trite. I can hardly take it. And maybe I won't.