So I should be in bed. And I will be shortly. But I'm still trying to unwind from this week. It has been crazy busy. I see why I will hate my life when finals come around. It is no fun to feel completely unprepared for that 2 page question, blank computer screen and forty minutes to write an essay on the question. N's class.

I took my last midterm today (which don't count for anything except to scare the living daylight out of you in preparation for finals). And I waited until all of them were done to pick up my midterm from three weeks ago; the only one that counted. And I'm glad I did. I started tearing up when I saw that grade...I think it's the lowest grade I've ever made on a test.

But screw it, right? I was sick...my house flooded, my son had a 105 fever....Josh was out of town...some excuses. I'm sort of an all or nothing person. Which means I'm a perfectionist. I'm surrounded by fellow perfectionists at law school. And I'm learning to enjoy life that isn't perfect, whatever that means.

I don't think I'm particularly talented at law. I don't have a knack for it. I'm not in it to make a bunch of money. I just feel thankful to be there. It's coping for me right now.

I didn't flunk, even though like I said I answered the entire second half wrong. So I'll take my half ass answer and be ok with it. I've been called pretentious. But it really would be pretentious to think I could go into this school and act like a 1920s man from Harvard.

I'm realizing that fear and conformity is all around me and including me sometimes. We all have to be in the top ten percent so we can get judicial clerkships and corporate jobs. The reality is that 90% of us will not be in the top 10%. And that some of us (myself included) hurl at the thought of working for corporate America. I can't stand contracts.

It's hard to take my own advice. I'm used to being in the top 10%. And it's hard when people look down their nose at you or my favorite: pity me. Don't pity me. But if I can get over the uncomfortable competitive feelings then I realize I don't really care that much. I'd rather go to dinner and movie with my husband that lock myself in the law library.

I was able to make it to Evan's class party and make time for a lot of other things. But I still don't understand future interest. I tell you what. When I study. I study. 100% focused attention. It's been enough to get me an A on one or two occasions. The nice exception.